Valley

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"God is my shield, my glory and the lifter of my head."
Psalm 3:3

For a little while, I felt okay. Not quite good, but okay. I wasn't hurting. I think that was so much of a relief that the okay-ness became good enough. My head was finally above water. I was grateful. I think - no, I know there were even times of joy. These were gifts I know were from God to encourage me. So I didn't let go.

But the blurred line between relief and complacency faded more and more. I was okay as long as I had a reason and permission to stay within my fortress of solitude. But now I have things coming up and there is a tightness in my chest. I am not sure enough of myself. I don't trust myself to be reliable. The momentary truth is that I don't want to commit to anything. History shows that I do what I want to do... and if I don't want to do it (especially if I really don't want to do it), I will back out and retreat. I hide. I resent those who try to pull me away from the comfort of my fortress.

There is so stuff in this box I'm in, that I feel like I can't breathe. So many things I want to be done, yet don't feel capable of doing. I used to do it all, but now... am I broken?

I asked God to break me. I needed Him to soften the hard places so I could be closer to Him. And, as I have come to realize, so I could discover the "me" that He created me to be. No masks, no inhibitions, no callouses. No weight. I wanted my actions to be governed by my true heart that is lead by His love and not directed by my emotions that are so often lead by lies. I want my renewed mind to be stronger than my feelings. And so, He did what I asked. He led me down a path into a valley that had to be crossed to get to a higher ground. There was no other way up. I just didn't realize how much it would hurt. I should be walking tall in spite of the heaviness, but I'm ashamed that I'm barely crawling. If I let others in, they would see the blood on my hands and knees. I don't want to push anyone away.

Now I'm not sure okay is good enough. Is this a step in the right direction? I don't know. Probably only if I take the step.

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